nowhere

I feel curiously as though I'm caught up in a void between 'happy' and 'sad'. I have moments where I think that perhaps I'm only sad because this whole thing has happened and therefore I technically have to be, so I am. But then I really think about what's going on right now, how much it sucks and then realise that, in fact, I am upset. Another ingredient to this emotional cocktail is most definitely my lack of sleep, as sleeping isn't something I've come to achieve very easily since Saturday. My exhaustion is making it very hard for me to understand how I feel. There's no point in questioning whether I feel better or worse than the previous day because I can't tell.

   I've been thinking a lot about how people complain about things that aren't really worth complaining about. It's probably because something so severe has happened to me that it influences me to feel partly as if nobody else's problems matter, because they aren't as big as mine. That is, of course, incredibly selfish and it isn't the incentive of my thoughts but it's perhaps having an effect on the way I'm interpreting the situations around me. I almost feel bad telling people what's happened because I know damn right that they'll have no idea how to respond. It makes me feel awkward and even rude in some way, even though it really isn't.

   Today I explained my current situation to my tutor and I have been granted an extension for the assignment that is due in right now. For this, I am thankful, but I cannot just use what is currently happening as an excuse for everything. I strive to be a strong person.

Brave people do not have time to sulk because they are too busy being brave.

As much as my head may be crammed with thoughts right now, it is also clouded, and that is why I cannot say much more. For now, I will attempt to reach the end of The Fault In Our Stars, followed by another attempt to sleep for as long as I can possibly manage.

Until next time,

R.P.

The Weather

I have what some might call a "coping method" that has developed in my mind, over time, most likely planted and fed by upsetting, stressful and frustrating experiences. It is no more than a self-invented idea that I refer to as 'The Weather'. 
   
   So think about this for a moment;
You plan to take a walk to the shop up the street to pick buy a newspaper, until you look out of your window to discover it's poring down with rain. You are initially disappointed because you hoped to get out of the house. However, what you don't know and will never know is that, as you moved forward to cross the road between two parked cars obstructing your view, music blearing through earphones, a motorcycle that you hadn't seen would have knocked you straight over. 

The reason I've just told you some tragic story about being hit by a fast vehicle is because I want you to focus on the rain. You see, the rain was the villain until it became the one thing that kept you from leaving your house and walking into danger. I guess I compared the way the weather in the sky affects how our day happens to the way that those little things in life ultimately determine the outcome of a much larger situation. 

   You might think I'm crazy, but on the other hand, you might understand what I'm saying (If this is the case then I'm sure we could be excellent friends.) It might just be a strange concept I've built up in my imagination but I assure you, it helps. 'The Weather' usually does what it does for my best interest, kind of like a friend would do, even if it feels bad at first. I have previously stated that I'm not religious and I do not believe that there is a God "watching over us" or having any say in what happens during life. Despite my agnostic views, I find the idea of some kind of 'force' looking after me through day-to-day life incredibly comforting. That's how I understand why certain people are religious. This has all caused me to sculpt something with my imagination, compare it to weather patterns and come up with the name 'The Weather'.

   'The Weather' helps me feel grounded, it helps me accept bad things that happen and it helps me perhaps understand why they happen. I guess my idea stems from the belief that "everything happens for a reason" which, as you may have guessed, I also choose to believe in. Life never will be easy, for anyone. I mean, we're watching (by we, I don't really mean we. I just mean all you other weirdos) television programmes that feature filthy rich famous-for-not-doing-anything celebrities who still somehow find something to complain about. Life as we know it can be a little shit and so I think it's good for a person to have ideas, concepts and coping methods to get by. The Weather is mine.

You might have your own ideas based around what I've talked about. I would be interested to know.

Until next time,

R.P.

Day 3

He's been home today, is it still home? I mean, we're not moving anywhere right now and he doesn't expect us to. I can't make my mind up so, for now, I'll say he was in the house. 

   My alarm sounded at 10:30 AM and it was at 10:45 that I managed to struggle out of bed. I had to go downstairs and I knew he was there. I couldn't just stay in my room, I had a driving lesson at 11:30 and needed to eat something or at least get a drink (I decided on nothing more than a drink in the end. Eating doesn't appeal to me much right now). He's spoken to me as if nothing has happened and it feels strange. Then again, in what way is he supposed to speak to me? We can't just ignore each other and we are not the arguing type. I don't know how I feel about him being here. Mum has said that my sister and I must make it known if we ever feel uncomfortable or that it's "too much". I can't really clarify how I feel about it right now because the whole thing still doesn't seem real. Yesterday I experienced waves of realisation all day. They kept hitting me, often leaving me drowned in tears. I don't want to show I'm upset because I need to be strong, for Mum, but it's tough. Since the day I was born, things have always been one way and they are no longer that way. They never will be again.

  I'm still not feeling any obvious signs of anger, but maybe that comes later. I haven't become physically upset today. I'm worried about Mum, though. She's gone to work. She won't take time off, she's a brilliant person like that. I can imagine she observes the house as a place where the walls are dripping with memories. That's no place to be on your own, so in that perspective I feel more comfortable for her to be out of the house, at work. Friends have invited me for a night out tonight and the offer is tempting but on the other hand, I feel like I need to be home all the time. I fear that something might happen, someone might get upset and I won't be here to support. A night out with friends will really cheer me up but I am still to decide a response to that invite. I predict that I have about 6 hours maximum to decide. 

I don't have much else to say, until next time I write,

R.P.

1:16 AM

I'm not religious but I do believe that there is some force, whether it be self-invented, metaphorical or real in some form, that has control over what happens in life. I pray (un-religiously, of course) that this force does not lead me to commit the action that he has done, at any point in my life. 

   I believe in love and I believe that it is the strongest emotion that any living person can hold within them. This experience has taught me that our elders feel and embrace love in the same ways we young people do. Love will hold our parents, grandparents, aunties and uncles together in the same ways it will hold a young couple. The sad part? Love breaks in exactly the same way, no matter what age you are. 

I have been unwillingly shown to my very own seat on a roller-coaster that will rise and plumet dramatically from now until, well, I don't really know when. In the future, the tracks will straighten out and it may become a smoother course. I keep trying to remind myself of this but I cannot shake off the reality of the situation and its impact. What I have to accept is that the damage from what has happened is permanent. I will never get off this roller-coaster, even if it becomes the calmest I could attend. I'll be on this ride from this moment until the day I die. 

   I can't hate you. I wouldn't be on this planet if it weren't for you. You've put me here and for that I will always be thankful. But I will never, ever understand why this has happened. I have never understood why the worst things happen to the best people but now I have to accept that you have been the criminal in that very side-effect of day-to-day life. An incident that I've known to exist among other people outside of my life since I was old enough to understand has now dropped right under the roof of my own home. I have lost faith in love and this will never be okay.



Maybe life throws shit at you to make you stronger. Maybe it likes to challenge people. Life, I accept your challenge and I'd like you to observe me as I stand tall and take you on.


We are soon to speak,

R.P.

Very Lovely

"The experience of being pushed into a swimming pool is a one that any average person is likely to have had and, if not, will have at some point in their life. First of all, there’s that quick, unwelcomed nudge around your lower back and your stance momentarily bends as your feet attempt to remain glued to the floor. Before you know it, your body gives way like an abandoned puppet, no longer entertaining its audience and in that moment, you know that there is not a single goddamned thing you can do until you hit the water, until your whole body is engulfed.

    Falling in love with Violet Lawson felt very much like being pushed into a swimming pool. As soon as you’d felt that initial nudge, you were plummeting into water and there was no going back. An awful lot of people have fallen into swimming pools, though. You can’t say the same about Violet Lawson. People only thought they had fallen in love with her, although you can’t blame them. If there was a human representation of “love at first sight”, this young lady was precisely that.

Her white-blonde hair was at shoulder length and fell naturally in waves down either side of her face, creating the frame to a beautifully raw, natural picture that you wouldn’t ever forget. Her eyes were a mystery in themselves, often misty and vacant but full of life all the same. The lips that formed her mouth laid gently, one on top of the other, the words that departed between them walking through you like a friendly ghost. She was captivating. She was the homiest prison cell any soul could find itself in and I, the one person who had sworn to never devote himself to another, had truly fallen in love with her."

02:38 - 23/02/2013

love is a word

love is a helping hand

love is a smile from a person who cares

love is the laughter of you and your friends

love is an adventure

love is the first tear, and the last

love is a breath of fresh air on a Spring morning

love is the first sip of tea

love is a arguing

love is making up

love is giving the bigger glass to your favourite person

love is icy water on a hot summer afternoon

love is her head on your chest before she falls asleep

love is laughing at the same things

love is healing scars

love is the cool side of the pillow

love is an unexpected message from someone you thought didn’t care

love is a smile that you pass around

love is seeing that lost strand of hair and tucking it behind her ear

love is a family eating dinner and laughing together

love is time alone with a book

love is not realising that 4 hours just went by

love is a rollercoaster

love is a loud, clicking keyboard

love is a bunch of fresh flowers

love is three sugars; four on a bad day

love is a best friend

love is never being left behind

love is a pair of lips, sat comfortably on your own

love is the sound when you turn the page of a book

love is a list that will continue when I’m not so tired…