nowhere

I feel curiously as though I'm caught up in a void between 'happy' and 'sad'. I have moments where I think that perhaps I'm only sad because this whole thing has happened and therefore I technically have to be, so I am. But then I really think about what's going on right now, how much it sucks and then realise that, in fact, I am upset. Another ingredient to this emotional cocktail is most definitely my lack of sleep, as sleeping isn't something I've come to achieve very easily since Saturday. My exhaustion is making it very hard for me to understand how I feel. There's no point in questioning whether I feel better or worse than the previous day because I can't tell.

   I've been thinking a lot about how people complain about things that aren't really worth complaining about. It's probably because something so severe has happened to me that it influences me to feel partly as if nobody else's problems matter, because they aren't as big as mine. That is, of course, incredibly selfish and it isn't the incentive of my thoughts but it's perhaps having an effect on the way I'm interpreting the situations around me. I almost feel bad telling people what's happened because I know damn right that they'll have no idea how to respond. It makes me feel awkward and even rude in some way, even though it really isn't.

   Today I explained my current situation to my tutor and I have been granted an extension for the assignment that is due in right now. For this, I am thankful, but I cannot just use what is currently happening as an excuse for everything. I strive to be a strong person.

Brave people do not have time to sulk because they are too busy being brave.

As much as my head may be crammed with thoughts right now, it is also clouded, and that is why I cannot say much more. For now, I will attempt to reach the end of The Fault In Our Stars, followed by another attempt to sleep for as long as I can possibly manage.

Until next time,

R.P.