My alarm sounded at 10:30 AM and it was at 10:45 that I managed to struggle out of bed. I had to go downstairs and I knew he was there. I couldn't just stay in my room, I had a driving lesson at 11:30 and needed to eat something or at least get a drink (I decided on nothing more than a drink in the end. Eating doesn't appeal to me much right now). He's spoken to me as if nothing has happened and it feels strange. Then again, in what way is he supposed to speak to me? We can't just ignore each other and we are not the arguing type. I don't know how I feel about him being here. Mum has said that my sister and I must make it known if we ever feel uncomfortable or that it's "too much". I can't really clarify how I feel about it right now because the whole thing still doesn't seem real. Yesterday I experienced waves of realisation all day. They kept hitting me, often leaving me drowned in tears. I don't want to show I'm upset because I need to be strong, for Mum, but it's tough. Since the day I was born, things have always been one way and they are no longer that way. They never will be again.
I'm still not feeling any obvious signs of anger, but maybe that comes later. I haven't become physically upset today. I'm worried about Mum, though. She's gone to work. She won't take time off, she's a brilliant person like that. I can imagine she observes the house as a place where the walls are dripping with memories. That's no place to be on your own, so in that perspective I feel more comfortable for her to be out of the house, at work. Friends have invited me for a night out tonight and the offer is tempting but on the other hand, I feel like I need to be home all the time. I fear that something might happen, someone might get upset and I won't be here to support. A night out with friends will really cheer me up but I am still to decide a response to that invite. I predict that I have about 6 hours maximum to decide.
I don't have much else to say, until next time I write,
R.P.
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